clandestine annotations

2008-06-20T17:24:00.001+08:00

i'm moving to http://www.erdi-interrupted.blogspot.com :) oh, and for poetry, http://www.acousticpoetry.blogspot.com

so long, erdi-thing! hehe.

2008-06-14T01:28:00.002+08:00

i am homesick.

i fell sick the other day, and was in bed for about close to 18 hours. all i could think about was who was going to be there for me one day when i'm dying. a person, or would i die alone and get eaten by cats?

its a sick thought, but it was a time-killer indeed.

and after an emotional rollercoaster (thanks to medication, pms, and quiet walls) which lasted for that whole 18 hours, i got off my bed and struggled to my chair. and i thought to myself..

i'll be okay.

i don't have cats anyway.

2008-05-22T17:40:00.002+08:00

Her skin is white cloth,
and she's all sewn apart
and she has many colored pins
sticking out of her heart.

She has many different zombies
who are deeply in her trance.
She even has a zombie
who was originally from France.

But she knows she has a curse on her,
a curse she cannot win.
For if someone gets too close to her,
the pins stick farther in.

Tim Burton- The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy and Other Stories

The simple, yet dark words of Tim Burton threw me into a childlike world of fantasies.. a different type of fantasy. A morbid one.

But i liked it. :)

2008-05-19T23:25:00.000+08:00

i think i figured out a reason as to why i've been speechless lately. a midlife crisis, if you're the sort of person who has to have a label on everything. so what do i want to do? i'm in the midst of brainstorming for my exam at the very last minute (ah, for i have not changed at all!).. and it struck me when i realised everyone else was already diving into what they want to do. well, except for me, and a few others in my boat, still figuring out which way to go.

wrong timing, definitely. god help us.

in the meantime, we'll just let the waves roll over us.

2008-05-13T05:29:00.002+08:00

i've always been better at expressing myself through writing, than speaking. i couldn't mumble out the words i wanted to say today. and if thats not bad enough, i don't even know where to start, even when i'm writing it down.

so, familiar stranger..
i hate not knowing..
will you spell it out?

2008-05-12T17:34:00.002+08:00

so, at this point of time, i have no clue as to what to say or do.

just thought you should know.

duh.

2008-05-08T12:25:00.002+08:00

if life could be as picturesque as this view.. ahh..

my cheeks are sore from 2 weeks of laughter and silly jokes. time to get serious, what with the finals just around the corner.

Slow dancing on the boulevard

In the quiet moments while the city’s still dark

Sleepwalking through the summer rain and the tired spaces

Day breaking on the boulevard

Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart

Light swimming right across your face

2008-05-03T16:57:00.002+08:00

after a week of bryani n kebabs, we hunted around dubai at 10 am in the morning for some maclovin.. a super up size and a long burning walk back, we're in our rooms all sleepy from a heavy meal. sin-dubai-istanbul-dubai-sin in 8 days is not exactly a glamour job just so you know. i can't look or smell or hear about bryani anymore. i've had enough to last me a whole year..

anyway, these few days have been paradise (when i'm out of my uniform, that is). contacted old schoolmates, met new people, dodged old nightmares, etc.

lesson number 1: love needs room to breathe
experienced a relationship where all you see, and all you hear, and all you're with is that other half? insecurity is a big word, and its an even bigger problem. you can say "i am insecure" a billion times, but to me, its not an excuse. DO something about it. don't just shrug and apologise and explain that you probably did what you did because of insecurity.

lesson number 2: when the cage gets loose, the animal runs
try holding on to someone and not letting them go for 5 mins. then do the same thing, this time, for a year. you'll see the difference. when you don't give people their freedom, and one day when they find it, they'll do whatever they weren't allowed to do, even if they don't like it.

lesson number 3: trust is earned. not the other way round.
you trust the person slowly, when they can prove their sincerity to you. you don't just blindly trust and let it slip away slowly when they do something to hurt you. its tough getting it back to 100%. so, might as well start from 0 and work your way up.

lesson number 4: if i'm nice, don't expect me to be nice-r
the thing about expectations is, you always want more, and never less. if i scored 40 percent on a test, you'd expect me to do better on the next one. the more you expect, the higher the risk of being disappointed.

WOW.. i dont know where that came from. haha.

His tears
Your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize
You give it one more chance
Just like the time before
But he already know you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't take it anymore
Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

"lesson learned" alicia keys & john mayer

2008-04-28T19:45:00.002+08:00

i need a blog revamp.. all this emo shyt is getting to me.

ANYWAY, i'm in dubai now.. i believe i walked about 10 mins to the restaurant and back, and i need a darker foundation for work tomorrow. its hot in herre!

so what's been up erdi?

well, nothing much..

are you sure?

nah, i'm lying.. been out the past few weeks.. soaking up all i missed for a whole year.

really? thats interesting!

is it really? its nothing much really... juggling 6 guys at the same time, smoking sheesha till the break of dawn, partying till my neck hurts from headbanging, same shyt different day.. *yawns* (looks at nails and rolls eyes)

what the... i think my brains are all fried from mr. dubai sun.. better get to the books before i change my mind.. ta!

2008-04-20T07:22:00.002+08:00

7.22 in the morning. i just stumbled home from a night out to forget. i'm kinda missing all of brunei right now.. i know i'm singaporean but it just feels like i need a place to just chill.. random msges from ppl informing me of a bbq at their backyards feel safer than stumbling home when there could be someone else waiting at ur doorstep when ur looking for ur keys..

i had to call the only person i knew who was still awake around this time.. to just talk to all the way home and back safely in my messy messy room.. thank you kp.. ur a great great friend

and i had to hang out till the sun started rising with all the almost-drunk clubbers.. thank you by definition and affiliates.. FAIZAL! :)

gerri and atul were great on-call companions and i feel lucky.. especially...

when yy n josh stepped up and made me feel i wasn't alone.. i just teared when i listened to them talking about how they would always be there especially when my mom wasn't around in singapore..

AND of course, my dear mom who was all ready to buy a ticket for my stepdad to singapore to make sure i was ok.. i never told her what was going on here for years.. because i wanted her to continue believing i was a strong person and i was capable of looking after myself.. but i felt i had to tell her today.. and she didn't judge me for being human..

i love you, mom.

2008-04-19T14:25:00.002+08:00

time goes by so slowly
when you're waiting for rescue
the water's getting cold..
and the ocean is not a home
when you're feeling all alone
its time to let you go..

give me something
to hold on to..

susie suh

2008-04-10T16:26:00.002+08:00

They say, you find love in Paris. I got lost, had rashes from an overdose of mussels, froze over when the wind decided to blow, and couldn't communicate a proper sentence to a Chinese woman who only speaks French.

Then I came back to Singapore.

And I realised, I DID find love in Paris. Love, is, lost and cold. I'm not sure about allergy reactions. But even when we can speak to someone in the same language, we just don't necessarily understand.

Some people believe that when you find someone you love, you have to be with that person. I don't want to be lost, cold, and misunderstood. But I loved, and will continue loving, even if I am happier without love.

So let me breathe.

2008-04-03T13:46:00.004+08:00

So much for staying in in Paris.. Luckily, a friend happened to be there.. Lo and behold..

with the same winter jacket!

Anyway, Priscilla and I ventured out to quite a few places.. but the weather was bad.. her toes were dropping off.. we got lost... etc.. so we ended up in a shopping mall.. a $120 NafNaf dress and $200++ Longchamp bags later, we had mussels at Leon.. and that was my trip to Paris..

I promised pics of Old Trafford and some other 'ard the world' pics.. but I've got a lunch date with my darling Tiffany in town.. so... patience please... (i'm assuming people are just dying to read my blogs.. but i know better.. lets just pretend).

2008-03-25T03:06:00.006+08:00

Bonjour! I am in Paris.. on an easter monday.. where the shops are closed.. and the tours are fully booked.. and its raining.. SO, I decided to relive my Cairo and SanFrancisco trip earlier this month..

Cairo is a sandy sandy place.. Wow, i summed it up in 3 words, 2 of which are repetitive.. Very good, no? Okay here's the deal.. I have Evidence textbooks calling out to me from my cargo bag.. So I'll keep this post as short as possible..

You'd THINK that camels, horses and donkeys were 'vehicles' in the desert.. and only the desert.. and some rural places where it was impossible for an automobile to cruise through.. Well, if I had a penny for everytime the tour guide had to step on the brakes 'on the highway' to avoid running over an animal..

Papyrus paper.. the first kind of paper which lasts for thousands of years.. kudos to the egyptians.. you'd think that if they had a map of cairo, it'd be nicely drawn out on their very own papyrus paper, or just printed out in tiny fonts and routes with a compass point on the bottom left page.. the norm..

Abdul, our guide for the day decided to keep things simple.. so on the start of the tour of the desert, he wanted to point out where we were going, etc.. and he told us that he'd brief us for 5 mins and show us a "map".. after which he pulled out a drawer...

And more of Cairo..

SanFrancisco.. lovely.. Thats a place I'd migrate to.. If I had to.. I don't mind having clam chowder all day everyday.. I was doing my daily routine of running through new talents on YouTube and I realised that most of my favourite videos are made by asians in fresco.. When I got to Fisherman's Wharf on my trip there, there were guitarists, dancers, comedians, younameit, all displaying their talents on sidewalks.. and of course, thats my favourite place to shop.. heh.. so much for keeping it real..

Just in case you're wondering.. those are just some seals soaking up the sun.. and that island.. thats The Rock.. or the Alcatraz.. yes.. the famous prison.. beautiful..

So where's the Golden Gate Bridge? The weather was acting up.. fog=no view of bridge.. oh well..

Its 15mins to 9pm here.. close to 4am sin time.. and I haven't posted pics of Old Trafford.. and a couple of Korea... So i'll save it for another time.. Study time..

I guess Paris is on the maybe list this August during my leave.. since I obviously can't leave the hotel at this time and weather.. but hey, free internet! lets google the Louvre!

Bonne Nuit!

2008-02-11T16:00:00.000+08:00

ok, so its been ages..

whats new? i moved out. :)

anyway, i'm just annoyed at the way people behave sometimes. i was at the supermarket the other day, (or was it just yesterday?).. stocking up on instant noodles, and toilet paper.. wth.. heh..

so i asked this cashier girl for a marlboro menthol lights.. she went to the cigarette counter, got me a marlboro lights.. i told her again.. nicely.. marlboro 'menthol' lights.. she went, and came back again with a marlboro menthol... when again i told her what i wanted, she gave me a face, so i followed her to the counter to help her since it was obvious her eyesight wasn't on focus at that time.. when i pointed out the right one.. she said "thats what i got just now WHAT".. so i decided to point out that she got me a darker green pack instead of the lighter green one.. and she said "aiya, all the same what.. lights, menthol lights.. still lights what".

i'm not done by the way.. :)

sooo, i could have easily walked away without paying over 20 bucks for my groceries (because she stupidly threw all my groceries in the bag without scanning the items).. being the nice person i am..( i just had to slap my niceties on her rude little attitude).. i waited for a couple of minutes for her to finally realise i was standing there holding up 2 big bags. and i told her that she forgot to charge me for the groceries..

after paying for my groceries, i didnt receive a single thank you, not that i expected one.. but it was nice to see her all flushed and drowning in cold sweat from the embarrassment of receiving such honesty from someone she was just rude to. i saved her over 20 bucks, which would've been cut from her paycheck.

its nice to be nice..

Thomas Hobbes gave a pessimistic view of the human condition in his famous "Leviathan". "Solitary, poor, nasty, brutal and short". I don't disagree. :)

2007-11-29T00:04:00.000+08:00

high on streetlights. cool wind and cold silence don't go together. i need to talk, but it might go wrong. i have to be aware, i don't want to. feels like i'm working, every second. i want to be me. i thought everyone knew "me" as the person i know as "me". boy, was i wrong. its hard to apologise when i'm screaming out in my head. its hard to smile when i have a knife in my back. if it doesn't kill me, it only makes me stronger. but why do i feel weaker with each passing day? because, i'm breaking down, and i can't do much about it. i need a pair of strong hands to lift me up, so don't beat me down. and then again, i find myself staring out at the moon, and painting a mental picture of a happier day. 22 years, and that wish of being happy hasn't been granted... yet.

after hours

2007-10-15T22:01:00.000+08:00

will you take me where we used to go and have a silent conversation like we used to?

2007-09-20T21:23:00.000+08:00

I want to see pure culture. Went to Tokyo, and there were more restaurants serving pasta than sushi. Went to Sydney, and found sushi takeaways there. Went to the harbour in Sydney and found ONE candy shop.. "The British Lolly Shop". Takes time to dig into the core of why Japan is Japan, and why Aussie is Aussie. God knows what I can find in Christchurch.

In the meantime, I'll just stray around until I find my way out of 'tourist avenues'.

Screw the maps.

241.

2007-06-26T22:32:00.000+08:00

There are, to me, a few different classes of men. I despise those that go under the heading of Iago. Iago is a character from Othello. A Machiavelli who manipulated people's emotions in order to destroy them. Sounds like someone to me.

"I have heard of your paintings. God hath given you one face and you make yourselves another."

Why would someone be attracted only to those whose lives seem deeper in shyt than his own? Oh, aren't we all fools to not know that the Iagos in this life need constant ego-boosting? To be condescending pushes their victims a step lower, and their own pride higher. Intellectual snobbery?

But have we forgotten, that Iago had nothing to begin with. He needs to feel important. The need to be there for others (or so it seems). When all that results from this display of emotional brutality is a sense of self-admiration for himself.

'O vile, intolerable, not to be endur'd!'

You see, its simple really. The Iagos are nothing. Therefore, the need to convince themselves that they aren't so bad afterall. Thus, find the vulnerable victims, listen to their sappy life stories, give them warmth. And BOOM! "I am IMPORTANT. I am now a MAN. BOW DOWN all you FOOLS!"

Pathetic really, if you ask me. All I feel for you now, is pity. All I see in you now, oh wait, you've gone too low for me to be able to see. Did you really think that by shutting the door, you'd wake up one day, walk back, and open the same door to still see us waiting there with a huge smile and arms wide open?

You see it from your point of view, my fool. From our point of views, it seems you only shut that door because we shut our doors on you long before that. I will cry for you. Tears of joy, mind you. I have life, love, and I do still have a heart, despite this bashing of your self-admiration. Therefore, I do not want to have to feel important by pretending to be there for little you. I feel important enough through means that have no relations with manipulation. Of course, you're quite an expert at that aren't you?

Ah, have I gone too far? I doubt so. I am only portraying to you, what you have portrayed to me yourself, dear fool.

Le réalité et toi, vous ne vous entendez pas, n'est-ce pas?

2007-06-19T21:44:00.000+08:00

To my Dad who messaged me in the middle of the night, "I miss you, I miss my brother, I feel so lonely".

and to Uncle Marzuki, whose life was filled with darts, booze, unruly hair, and the good things i never had the chance to get to know.

walk with that limp you paid for, to keep your life
he's got your back
i saw you cry alone
my eyes are blind, yet my heart wept with you, for you

take that dart and throw it
bullseye! can you hear him laughing that your feet were over the line?
those innocent young days
now you're wrinkled, still you argue that your shot was legally perfect

way over young
still the jokes are far from old
there's no need for a eulogy
he knows you better than you do

so you're left with your shadow
you feel a drink should do
then you stumble along the corridor
but you know you can't fall cos he's not there

i've got your back, daddy.

2007-06-12T11:10:00.000+08:00

So the grueling time is over. I thought I'd leave the exam room with a sigh of relief. Think again, Erdi. A wake up call. I beg for the examiners to give me a passing mark at least. Otherwise, if they prefer to fail me for yesterday's paper, fail me completely so I can retake all the papers again instead of just yesterday's paper and getting by with just a mere pass. My ego is bruised. I will not walk away with a third or a lower second. On that thought, just fail me completely.

Its a risk I took, and a risk I will take again with open arms. On one hand, the disappointment my mom will face. My pride will be beaten up pretty badly (in the process, actually). On the other hand, its a blessing in disguise, a wake up call. Wake the hell up erdi.

I admit, I wasn't fully prepared. But with what little preparation I had, I could have gotten away with a better, more precise answer. Instead, that 'little preparation' disappeared when I waited for the papers to be given out. Blank. Like a bullet shot right through and popped that bubble of vital information.

If it takes me ten years, I will go on for ten years. Bright side: I get a good degree, and a long service award.

For now, I will have that heavy feeling till end August when results are out.

2007-06-02T17:37:00.000+08:00

I am in the midst of preparing for a Law of Tort (law of wrong-doing) paper when I came across a pathetic thought that I believe I should share with those killing time.

Under the Law of Tort, is a branch in which 'psychiatric injury' is discussed. As per Lord Bridge in the case of McLoughlin v O'Brian, "the injury must be a mental condition that amounts to a positive psychiatric illness as diagnosed by a doctor/psychiatrist". For eg. Sleeping disorders, tension and depression. It all started in the case of Donoghue v Stevenson where a woman found the decayed remains of a snail in her root beer. As a result, she suffered shock (psychiatric injury).

I wonder, if authors of the Law of Tort texts are themselves liable to readers who suffer psychiatric injury as a result of reading the texts. Sleeping disorders, tension and depression. I've been going through all that. heh.

Speaking of which, the law of nuisance (also under the Law of Tort), is itself a nuisance. I just don't see why, for over 60 years, they coukd not come to a conclusion if the rule in Rylands v Fletcher (a subtopic in the law of nuisance) should be abolished, or expanded, or kept within strict liability.

This is clearly a course in which what I discuss in the papers will never have a right answer even when I'm rotting underground.

2007-05-31T12:51:00.000+08:00

Too many shadows in my room

too many hours in this midnight

too many corners in my mind

so much to do to set my heart right

its taking too long

i could be wrong

i could be ready

but if I take my heart's advice

I should assume, it's still unsteady

I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while

To wait for the wind to blow down on me

Hope that it takes with it my old ways

And brings a brand new life upon me

I am in repair

Now i'm walking in the park

all of the birds they dance below me

maybe when things turn green again

it will be good to say you know me

john mayer-in repair

2007-05-29T22:46:00.000+08:00

Yes, yes... I am still quite alive. I enjoy exam periods.. ah, the adrenaline, the time you feel you are actually capable of reading a whole paragraph of Penner (still quite a long distance before you get to the last page, pg 518), when you can use the excuse of 'I need to study' to dodge any errands, and when you can actually wake up in time for a Macdonald's breakfast as opposed to sprinting to the nearest one at 10.59 am before they call it "LUNCH", though this list is not exhaustive.

Of course, the depressing thing is, you munch on whatever you can find to keep yourself awake and you stand in denial, believing that gravity is getting stronger because you feel heavier (not because you actually really are heavier). Oh well.

Things I achieved so far by holding a pen and massaging my head while staring (in a pitiful manner) at the pile of books in front of me while repeating softly (not too soft, make sure its still audible to the nearest person.. "stressed out man....") :

-got my cousin to make a hot drink for me without begging

-got my twofortyone to be my human alarm clock (hehe)

-got to fall asleep in the living room without anyone nudging me because i'm "stressed and i need to shut my eyes for a little while"

not much i know.. nothing to be proud of.. but hey, i'm satisfied.

study beckons!

2007-05-04T23:39:00.000+08:00

Made a deal with the man himself

He took me on a dark ride

And at the end of the tunnel

He shoved a gun in my hand

"Dare you end this ride, dare you take a bullet, and to hell you belong"

So I made a deal with the devil

He fell in love with my sins

He took the gun

And the deal was done

He shot me cold

2007-05-01T14:20:00.000+08:00

Time and again, I find myself being pulled back to reality while fantasizing on some big dreams of mine. They say, dream big. I say, dream bigger. Its not as if I'm visualising on men in thongs serving me virgin margharitas in my big outdoor lounge facing the sea. I dream of "possible things". Then again, nothing, including men in thongs is really that impossible. A simple example. Take A and B. A aims for a first class. B aims for a mere passing mark. Chances are, A will do better that B. Set a higher target. Reach!

So if I dream of a Maserati, and you dream of a Vios. Chances are (the worst scenario), I might end up with a Matrix, and you, a Starlet.

Oh well, I shan't go on about this. I'll just wait for the looks on your faces, when, one day, I do achieve what I've always wanted.

Happy belated Jo!

2007-04-20T12:58:00.000+08:00

When you seek comfort in those who come and go, and believe that the ones closest to you are hopeless in caring for you, just remember...

i might not still be waiting for you to realise i was here from the start

Under the Covers

2007-04-11T23:28:00.000+08:00

They tell you to stop pretending you're strong. What do you do? Will you crumble or defeat the forces thats pulling you down? Keep your chin up high? Or be the brittle weakling that you really are? You can be a warrior and walk to the arena with bare hands. If you're strong, that is. You're not, and you know you're not. Is it such a sin for you to wear an armour to protect yourself? Are you really a fake because you need to enhance the little, good things in you, that you wish the world could see with their naked eyes? Did they think, for once, that it takes strength to show a strong front? You're not hopeless after all.

They lash out at you with sharp tongues. Did they forget, about that knife you've been carving since the day you saw the world for what it really is, and not just a fantasy you drew when you were still in your mother's womb? They hit you directly where your weakness lies. Then they realise its all cold where they hit you. And they find that very knife that you've driven into yourself deep in the core of where you hurt.

They throw empty remarks at you. Because they don't understand. Then they get frustrated because they try and they try but they still can't understand you. Watch out. Here comes another fiery, empty remark that could hurt you, but could never change what you are.

so you think you can tell,
heaven from hell,
blue skies from pain?
did they get you to trade,
your heroes for ghosts?- pink floyd, 'wish you were here'.

2007-04-11T15:15:00.000+08:00

Stuck in two positions. 1) When you want to make things better, but you can't. 2) When you can do something to make things better, but you don't want to.

1) So I met granny A today for lunch. Poured her heart out as I sat and received disapproving glares from strangers who assumed I caused her to tear. I realise I'm so much like her. Felt that sense of emptiness when she left back to her lonely space. She held my hand as she struggled up the stairs, and it hurts to know that just 'yesterday', I was the one holding on to her for dear life when my tiny feet took its first steps. I couldn't let her go alone, I wanted to be with her. All I hoped for that very minute, was for the hands of time to stop, just pause for a day or so.

2) Apparently, granny B collapsed and is in the intensive care unit. I don't know her, except for the fact that she loves the same perfume granny A loves. Anais Anais by Cacharel. The first time I met her while daddy fought for his life after a drunk driving accident, I felt a sense of familiarity. The smell of the perfume made me feel I was standing next to somebody I knew well, a sense of acquainstanceship. Or was it something else that made me feel that way? Promised daddy I'll be there to see him for lunch tomorrow and visit granny B. I shouldn't have. Or should I? I don't even know my dad, what more his mother? I don't even know what to say, or feel. Now I hope for the hands of time to go faster. Skip a few days or so, till she's all well and they're on their flight back home.

2007-04-06T00:20:00.000+08:00

A challenge. To quit the addiction of that nicotine rush I crave. Closer to a pair of Manolos and more paperbacks. Not for anyone. I'm doing this for myself. Not trying to be a better person. Smoking never made me a bad person. I am weak, I admit. I crave. When you spill my weakness all over the people I love, the trust fades because they trusted me as a strong person. And I needed them because they believed that I could be strong. Now that you smeared it all over, I have no one. I can only trust myself to be strong. And when I've proved it to myself, you don't have to worry. I won't clean up the mess you made. I don't give a fuck. I'm satisfied just by proving to myself and no one else that I can stand on my own two feet. Don't expect tears. I've bled my eyes out and I'm done with that.

2007-04-02T00:18:00.000+08:00

Patience, fake it if you must.

1) When you're on the phone, and someone is pissing you off, excuse yourself for a minute in a polite manner. Grab the nearest pillow, scream into it, and start off on the phone with your nicest "hello, where were we at?".

consequences: if the other party was also pissed off, he/she might get agitated with your smooth move, and say something worse to piss you off. hey, its not really fair to them that you seem to be taking it lightly and not feel the "intensity" of that heated debate.

2) In public, distract yourself. Eg. Look at the sky, and play "Accidentally in Love" or any other song that lightens your mood, in your head. When you're all cooled down, ie. your heart is not raging, and you stop feeling like punching a wall, start a whole new conversation, eg. So what did you eat today for lunch?

consequences: the other party might think you have an attention deficit disorder.

3) In front of friends or people you don't want to show your temper to, talk about that incident that you haven't recovered from laughing too much about.

consequences: third parties will think of you as a pointless nostalgic.

2007-04-01T00:36:00.000+08:00

forgive, sounds good. forget, i'm not sure i could. they say, time heals everything. i'm still waiting. i'm through, with doubt. there's nothing left for me to figure out. i've paid a price, and i'll keep paying. i'm not ready to make nice, i'm not ready to back down. i'm still mad as hell, and i don't have time to go round and round and round. its too late to make it right. i probably wouldn't if i could. cos i'm mad as hell, can't bring myself, to do what it is you think i should. i know, you said, why can't you just get over it. it turned my whole world around and i kinda like it. i made my bed and i sleep like a baby, with no regrets and i don't mind saying. its a sad sad story that a mother would teach her daughter that she oughta hate a perfect stranger. and how in the world can the words that i said, send somebody so over the edge, that they'd write me a letter saying that i better shut up and sing or my life will be over. - dixie chicks.

2007-03-31T01:03:00.000+08:00

Hello world. Its 1.03 am, and my brains are throbbing with the Sale of Goods Act. I wonder why professional bodies have to make everything sound so serious and boring. At least make the titles more appealing so students like me would open our statute books more often. For example, the Idiot's Guide to Not Getting Sued When Purchasing, or Selling. Yikes.

2007-03-27T23:09:00.000+08:00

2007-03-26T13:47:00.000+08:00

This is kinda what happens when you've been consumed in textbooks for too long. You take the nearest camera phone and snap pictures of yourself.

Anyway, today I shall preach on something personal. A pointless nostalgic, thats me. Replaying events of the past is what I love to do. Hey, I know we all have to focus on the future, and all that crap, but if you can eat chocolates to make yourself feel better, I can think about the past and you can't stop me.

I miss having people like Jo and Connie around. Especially during my exams. Coffee with Jo after too much studying, and calling Connie to tell her something random like "eh, i have ponytails". 7 years of friendship, Jo and I. And I'm proud to say, even though I still don't know what the hell she's doing in KL now, I know she's still alive, and we're still around to do little things like commenting on each other's blogs and laughing at Jon's lame antics.

Connie and I, you could call us, unwitting agents of misfortune. I met up with her the last time I was in Brunei for raya, and she's still the same person I knew 7 years ago. except, she gave up on sneakers and she's all about sandals now. We had a couple of falling outs. I guess we were too close and we just gave up on the friendship. Its as such, you see yourself waving to someone you never liked from the start, but when you're hurt by a very close friend, your eyes don't even meet because you never imagined that that person would hurt you. But hey, I do still remember times when we'd laugh so hard our tummies hurt. Times when we'd fight and rush to set the snooker table for a guy we thought was cute, until he smiled one day and his teeth became a major turn off. (He had to set the table himself after that incident at boon's snooker cafe).

I hope to have my 25th birthday with the old gang, to celebrate us getting older, and to celebrate ten years of friendship. October 2010, Brunei, (The Mall.. HAHA.. no freaking way). Okay, its time to focus now.. Back to the books!

241

2007-03-22T23:55:00.000+08:00

Wheels up

I got to leave this evening

I can't seem to keep these vultures

Out of my trail

Powers is made, by power being taken

So, I keep on running to protect my situation

Down to the wire

I wanted water

But I'll walk through the fire

If this is what it takes

To take me even higher

Then I'll come through

Like I do, when the world keeps

Testing me, testing me, testing me

-John Mayer, Vultures

The time of the year when little things tick you off because the bigger things still aren't solved yet. I hate the line I walk because I am a firm believer of "Don't bother doing it if what you're doing it for might not be worth it". That attitude of mine clashes with the fact that I am a pessimist and I don't believe that anything, or anyone for that matter, is "worth it". I fear losing. I am consumed in paranoid thoughts of losing. And I am then consumed into a world where nothing lasts because I fear losing, thus, I believe, I will lose it all one day anyway.

Its all in the psychology. When you honestly believe you will lose something, someday soon, you WILL lose it. But I would rather lose something with a pre-thought to losing it, as opposed to thinking life is all flowers and daisies, and one day when you stumble upon shyt, you don't know what to do because you weren't prepared for the worst.

I would like to wake up one day with the sun's rays shining on my face, and the smell of daisies, and a butterfly flapping its beautiful wings near my window. Everyone would. But I would also like to be prepared for the worst so when it rains, I would still remember that at least I woke up and I saw some beautiful things. I don't want to be carrying around an umbrella and a raincoat and flu tablets and get paranoid of getting caught in the rain. I want to run in the rain, soak it up, and smile.

2007-03-20T19:35:00.000+08:00

Shall we slow dance in that burning room one last time?

2007-03-18T21:46:00.000+08:00

Pride. Once, K, after labelling me an introvert, told me never to lose my pride to show the people I care that I do really care. Why lose it when its the one thing that made you who you are. A body without a soul is what we are without pride. Break one little rule of yours, they will all break soon and where was the You that you thought You were?

K then went on to interrogate me and soon after, reconfirmed that indeed, I was one of the rare female introverts around after making notes on his imaginary Introvert Checklist. All these from a man I respected after knowing him for a mere 10 mins. I was in awe of this private banker who dropped by my uncle's pub and seeing I wasn't in the mood to talk to a stranger, went on anyway to try to start a conversation. He said that its one of the weird occasions in which an introvert would like some chat time with another introvert.

I told him there was no point in reminding me about pride. I gave it all away to the person who despised me the most. I went on my knees and gave me away. It made me feel empty, I felt as if I've been cheated, by myself. K made me believe I could win back the pride that made me. Refurnish my empty rule book with new rules. What did I learn from that empty experience? Include that in the rule book. I did.

6 months later, I realised the new set of rules I founded has been broken yet again by me. And through these experiences, I also came to realise that I was a happier, more confident person when the rule book was my reference. Now I am going through the phase of filling up the empty pages yet again. I failed myself a couple of times. That doesn't make me a failure. I believe I am still strong enough to try again and I won't ask for success. All I ask for is that I don't give up along the way.

So don't ever ask me to shed my pride. Don't make me explain the things I do. Don't ask me why I am better off at a bistro with a paperback and a soda by myself.

Don't make me.

Bad Boys and the City

2007-03-17T03:27:00.000+08:00

Bad boys, the city, and how they get away. You see, girls in their tender age, well most of them, fall for the bad guys. The smokers (smoking does not make a person bad, but it doesn't add plus points to the image, and the image per se), the tattoed (tattoos, like smoking, does not make a person bad. All about the image darling, the image, per se), the drunks, the womanizers, etc.

Now, when these girls reach a more mature age, lets say, 21 (god i am getting old), they prefer to settle with the creme de la creme. The men with a good status, a good background, someone with a good image. And so, when they get hurt by these men, they tend to feel the hurt more than when they dated bad boys. Why, you ask? You see, this is where expectations come into play.

You wouldn't feel so hurt when you know the person hurting you was capable of doing it anyway. It was reasonably foreseeable. Therefore, your emotions were in standby mode, and it was easier to take the heavy beating. Because you could direct some of the blame on yourself since you knew what you were getting yourself into. There was that little possibility of bad boys crushing you.

You don't expect a good man to wrap you around his fingers and then all of a sudden, dip you into a pot of hot oil.

I'm not saying we women should all dump the good ones and go weak for the bad ones. I am merely saying, (1) good or bad, in reality, really all depends on image and (2) expectations can take a toll on you.

2007-03-16T22:17:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since the 5 of us went searching for hidden places in tiny Singapore. With Yy selling off his car, Josh having to stick to his girl, Iskandar deciding which girl to stick to, John singing at the same place every night, and me with school and obligations, I guess its about acceptable that we at least still communicate via sms.

So, someone got murdered in a restaurant.. by (pretend to be surprised) an alien.. which falls under the group of 'certain aliens' i was bitching about the other day. Reason: argument over unwashed dishes in the kitchen of the restaurant. Woopeedoo.

To Jo: you're right darls... i miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!
To Uncle Jo: you are lame. are you still reading my blog? kaypoh jua! get a LIFE! hehe...
To Mom: Get uncle jo off my blog! haha.

2007-03-15T00:51:00.000+08:00

Quite speechless and unsure of what I want to write about. So, why write? Because I FEEL like it.

I remember, when I was with an ex, and his mom liked me, because she thought I came from a broken family. Pity. She had this look "Aww, you poor little thing you". Expect me to crawl under her warmth. Thats a load of bull. Instead, I became defensive. WHAT THE HELL, don't you look down on me or my family, I thought. Yea, I come from a huge family and we all hate each other sometimes (Don't deny it cousins. hehe). BUT, we're still family, we don't have much of a choice, and if anything, we were all thought to be strong and independent.

When people say something about my lifestyle and my unlimited freedom, they are implying I wasn't brought up the right way. And THAT, people, is the biggest insult towards my family and I.

I have all the freedom in the world. I don't drink, though I used to. I learn from my mistakes. I spend half of that freedom buried in new paperbacks in Borders. I go to clubs, and no, I don't have one night stands just because I club. There's only ONE place I go to, thats where my close friend plays in a band. I listen to the music, thats about it. I have more guy friends because I need to feel a sense of security, and because I have 2 stepbrothers but I never had the chance to know them, thus a replacement of my siblings. My mom doesn't go all crazy when I'm out with my friends all the time. She trusts me enough to trust the people I go out with. I have pride, it is a form of defence weapon for me.

I think my mom brought me up the best way possible, so if you have anything to say about my lifestyle, and the way I was brought up, swallow it my friend. All the freedom in the world doesn't make me a bad person. So much for not having anything to say.

You can sing my song, but you can never have my rhyme.

2007-03-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

I went window shopping the other day, and I stumbled upon a cosmetics store, imports from Korea. The interesting part is, this teenage girl, from China, came up to me and started speaking in her native language. So I said "i'm sorry, i don't speak chinese". For the life of me, i don't know why i bothered explaining myself. (I did understand every word she said by the way).

Call it an experiment, but I wanted to see the reaction. She looked at me as if I'm some ghastly creature. Was it not acceptable that I, a Singaporean, where our national anthem is in Malay, did not know/want to converse in Chinese?

I am getting fed up with the way the Government is opening up its arms to these aliens. The last I remembered, when you go to someone else's country, you respect their culture, their tradition, and possibly, their language. I guess these certain aliens I'm speaking about are pampered by the Government in a way, that they think, they've blended well enough with the majority, to look down on the minority.

Think about it. I don't go to India to work, and speak Malay with everyone there, and look at them weird when they don't understand what the fuck just came out of my mouth.

Hire foreign talents, they say. The streets of Geylang are filling up, people. With 'foreign talents'. God knows, they probably do it 'wushu style' in bed with paying clients. talented indeed, in a foreign way.

I mean, I do respect the English and Americans. They lay low, in their own minority group. So what if they're snobbish? I believe they are contributing to our economy. They deserve a space in tiny Singapore. As opposed to certain aliens. All they do for our country, is, contribute spit to the roadsides.

2007-03-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

Sacrifices. People believe, the more you sacrifice, the more you prove your undying love to your other half. I believe if that bond is strong enough, gone is the need to sacrifice.

Falling in love doesn't mean you have to give your life up.

Sacrificing for the sake of love doesn't get you a degree, or that car you've been wanting, etc.

It pays to be selfish sometimes.

me and my 241, we will live our lives. do what we have to, do what we want to, do what we're supposed to do. that doesn't mean i love him any lesser.

2007-03-06T22:12:00.000+08:00

It's not a silly little moment

It's not the storm before the calm

This is the deep and dyin breath of

This love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to

So I can feel you in my arms

Nobody's gonna come and save you

We pulled too many false alarms
We're goin down

And you can see it too

We're goin down

And you know that we're doomed

My dear

We're slow dancing in a burnin room
I was the one you always dreamed of

You were the one I tried to draw

How dare you say it's nothing to me

Baby, you're the only light I ever saw
I'll make the most of all the sadness

You'll be a bitch because you can

You try to hit me just to hurt me

So you leave me feeling dirty

Because you can't understand

Go cry about it why don't you

Don't you think we oughta know by now

Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow - John Mayer, Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

2007-03-02T14:36:00.000+08:00

The thing about taking your O's in Brunei is, they never explain the criteria you need to get you where you want. Communication is key. I remember when I was done with my O's, I headed to all the polytechnics in Singapore, and tried my luck getting into Mass Comm, and a few other courses. The first question they asked was, Do you have a credit in any humanities subject? What the hell is a humanities subject, I thought.

Only later did I realise, when I chose Computer Science over POA for my O's, I decided my fate without realising it. An unfortunate fate which led to me not being eligible to enter for almost all the courses I really wanted to get into. I mean, look at it this way. You're in Form 4, you have a few excess subjects you wanna get rid off to concentrate on the core ones. I dropped Religious Studies (duh) and I wanted Literature (but nooo.... only 1 student out of the whole SAS intake in my year wanted that, so why waste manpower on me right....). I was left to choose between Computer and Principle of Accounts. Besides that I already had 3 pure sciences, chem, bio, physics, add math, d math, english and malay. I had to make the 8th choice. So I chose Computer, since, I thought, we're in the modern age (and the sight of the thick POA book threw me off). No one told me POA was a humanities subject. No one told me Computer wasn't.

I was left with Chemical Engineering, Nursing, and all the courses not worth mentioning. Halfway through Chem Eng, I realised I HATED it. So, all that was a waste of time.

I propose a compulsory counselling session for Form 4 students in Brunei before they blindly choose their paths, like I did.

2007-03-01T13:25:00.000+08:00

the cold weather is giving me the lazy bones. i'm one eye blind, and 3 hours off today due to a messy situation with the contact lens which is basically attached permanently to my eyeball, and my phone which died on me last night when i dropped it. Apparently, its 1st Jan 2005, 10 am right now according to my phone.

i am loving the weather. but i need a kick to get me started on my books. caffeine?

2007-02-28T04:32:00.000+08:00

To hell with that damned Emotional Intelligence book. You see, the thing about being human is, you've got to learn from experiences. You can't read a book and understand by browsing through and contemplating on the author's words unless you have a clue of what he's really trying to say. And the clue, comes from the situations you've been put into vis-a-vis the subject matter. You can read it to understand why you did what you did, or said what you said when you were in the position described in that book. But you can't understand, never being in that position yourself.

I remember feeling all depressed reading about Dorian Gray and Lord Henry. I KNOW its all fiction but the author had some great insights to love, deceit, warmth, innocence, and cold. His life was by itself, a story of love, deceit, warmth, innocence and cold. Its no wonder his book was so precise. Those are the kind of books worth reading.

On the other hand, those books on spiritual healing, etc. I say, don't trust them unless you have valid evidence that the author has been through what he's preaching about.

Well, of course what I've mentioned above are of my opinion. If you beg to differ, don't let a mere opinion influence you from doing what you, yourself think is right.

In fana's words... "I'm just saying BAHHH...."

2007-02-27T03:48:00.000+08:00

The temptation to grab a book from that shelf is just too great. And no, nothing to do with commerce, trusts, land law or tort. I am deprived of fiction. When fact kills you, indulge in fiction. Ah, all these sounds too familiar. I guess that sentence can apply to life itself. Then again, why would I want to talk about life at 3.55 in the morning?

The sinus is kicking in. My body is warning me that I've gone way past my bedtime. All thanks to the Sale of Goods Act. I propose an open book exam (I know you NUS law students are enjoying that benefit... lucky bastards). Why an open book exam? Why waste time memorising cases and facts when the point is to ARGUE?

Common sense.

Then again, balding white men in robes and wigs would probably have to draft a bill first to define common, and sense.

I am not thinking straight. Blame the sinus.

2007-02-24T14:34:00.000+08:00

The house is extremely quiet without fana's heavy footsteps and occassional pats (or rather, whacks) on the back at the wrong times (eg. when you're trying to drink). I do miss her, and her neverending questions, in which answers to them won't help in any way. asking, for the sake of asking. the late night card games cease to exist. god knows we even had a deck of cards in the house till she came. and her shameless burps, in which, especially in public, would had you wishing you could dig a hole and bury her, or yourself in it.

I am listening to the antique sounds of Wet Wet Wet, Love Is All Around. Don't ask me why. It just happened to be on my 'ulu' playlist. I must add, however, that Love Actually ruined the song. That old buster replacing the lyrics with 'christmas is all around...'.

Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions finally resting on my doorstep. I basically spent the day at the indian coffeeshop downstairs. What with my aunt and atul talking about cooking and relationships (you know the conversation will take about 2 whole hours of your time when they hit the abovementioned topics, and well, it did take exactly 2 hours). A huge sigh of relief when I came home, thinking that that was probably enough talktime for me in one day. Lo and behold! My phone number became the hotline for broken relationships. Headed down again and saw a friend pour his heart out while his 4 yr relationship took a heavy beating. Not that it helps when his ex was pouring HER heart out on the phone with me, and especially when the root of all these was sitting just next to me, sipping her damn mineral water, pretending nothing was wrong with tearing a relationship apart.

It especially didn't help when Yy was indulging in a book "Emotional Intelligence". I would've felt comforted if he said "chill, bro. time will heal." you know, speak OUR language. unfortunately, he preferred to quote from his book so it was a mixture of languages last night..

isk: i don't know what the hell i'm doing.
me: you just need to chill first. it takes time but you can't solve it all now. chill bro.
yy: you have to understand that the ratio is 24:1 when it comes to emotional and rational thinking. yada yada.

haha. as much as i hate to admit it, i'm gonna borrow that book from yy when he's done.

have a great weekend.

2007-02-23T17:50:00.000+08:00

The lil monsters, courtesy of atul's 'no-longer-in-existence' digicam.

Happy Birthday Brunei! woopeedoo~

So Liverpool kicked Barca's ass in the first leg. Will Barca succeed in defeating Liverpool in Anfield? Doubtful, very doubtful. My condolences to Barca's fans. Imagine soaking in the success of Barca's first goal, only to have their hopes crushed soon after. Blame it on the politics, but a good team doesn't let mere politics come into play, in a game.

2007-02-21T21:18:00.000+08:00

"All of a sudden, I felt a tremendous wave of fear for no reason at all. My heart was pounding, my chest hurt, and it was getting harder to breathe. I thought I was going to die."

"I'm so afraid. Every time I start to go out, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'm terrified that another panic attack is coming."

As described above, the symptoms of a panic attack appear suddenly, without any apparent cause. They may include:

Racing or pounding heartbeat
Chest pains
Dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea
Difficulty breathing
Tingling or numbness in the hands
Flushes or chills
Dreamlike sensations or perceptual distortions
Terror - a sense that something unimaginably horrible is about to occur and one is powerless to prevent it
Fear of losing control and doing something embarrassing
Fear of dying

A panic attack typically lasts for several minutes and is one of the most distressing conditions that a person can experience. Most who have one attack will have others. When someone has repeated attacks, or feels severe anxiety about having another attack, he or she is said to have panic disorder.

According to one theory of panic disorder, the body's normal "alarm system," the set of mental and physical mechanisms that allows a person to respond to a threat, tends to be triggered unnecessarily, when there is no danger. Scientists don't know exactly why this happens, or why some people are more susceptible to the problem than others. Panic disorder has been found to run in families, and this may mean that inheritance (genes) plays a strong role in determining who will get it. However, many people who have no family history of the disorder develop it. Often, the first attacks are triggered by physical illnesses, a major life stress, or perhaps medications that increase activity in the part of the brain involved in fear reactions.

http://www.medicinenet.com/panic_disorder/article.htm

I need help.

stop the time

the ticking of the clock

my heart is pounding

fast

and it hurts

kill me

2007-02-20T23:35:00.000+08:00

I'm looking at you through the glass,

don't know how much time has passed

Oh God it feels like forever, but no one ever tells you that

Forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head...

How do you feel? That is the question...

But I forget you don't expect an easy answer

When something like a soul becomes initialized and folded up like

Paper dolls and little notes, you can't expect a bit of hope

And while you're outside looking in, describing what you see

Remember what you're staring at is me

Stone Sour, "Through the Glass".

2007-02-19T23:53:00.000+08:00

People grow, and no, it doesn't necessarily mean to grow in a wiser manner. Grow to be more aware, and to fear more, grow to be sceptical to certain issues. We don't want to see the ugly shades of the world, we all want to see only the rich blue, and the healthy green. In time, we can't avoid the dark lanes of homeless people, torn shelters, morbid music, disrespect, adultery, pot, cults, etc. Once we've seen it, we turn into wrecks, paranoid that the ones we love would/could be a member of that darker society, breeding evil when you least expected it.

Yy and I were on the topic of being in a relationship when your halves don't understand the kind of relationship you have with certain people, thus putting them in a little box labelled "Possibly more than friends. Yikes!". Its not uncommon, therefore, no blame appointed. What people could do, however, is to explain the nature of that doubtful (in your halves' perception) relationship.

Don't, and you have your gfs pulling you by the ear when you give a goodnight hug to your fellow groupie who happens to be of an opposite sex, or your bfs pondering at 6am if you've been more than friends with anyone of them, etc.

So, around this time last year, I got back in touch with Josh (whom I met in chinabar thru John) who got close to Yy around the time we lost contact. Yy and Josh were colleagues and at that point in time when both were single, they decided to mingle together and in the process, met quite a number of weird babes. I knew Tino since the time i got to know Josh. Josh was infatuated (or so I thought) with a friend of mine, so that friend would drag me along when she was meeting Josh and he would drag Tino with him. Karen was a close friend of J and T, so I saw her from time to time. Iskandar, also a friend through J, was a 'bump-into' at Momo. Gerri was a classmate of mine back in SIC and we invited her for outings as well.

Not that the above description would help in suggesting the kind of bond we all have. T, K and G were at their high points in life, stabling their careers, or maintaining their stable careers or in simple terms, dealing with their own shyt which happens to be time consuming, therefore, only joining us on scheduled outings and not a spontaneous "hey! we're in town, wanna join?". Isk worked long hours and John was on a totally different timezone since our mornings were his nights.

Often, it was J, Yy and I. With J, meeting all the wrong people, it wasn't unusual for Yy and I to be stranded along a quiet road at 4am with some unworthy girl crying all over J's shoulders expressing her undying love for him IF she had not already committed herself to 3 other different men. All that drama aside, we all hung out from a single friday every week, to everyday, every week.

From late nights at rouge, we ventured to deserted spots in singapore and explored the unexplored. We were all quite inseparable and we all were updated with each other's lives, or so we thought. Still, we were there without the realisation that we all actually 'needed' each other's companies.

Soon, everyone else got themselves attached. Yy and I became the only single ones in that 'once-huge' group. Of course, when any of them got into problems with their halves, then only would Yy and I receive a "yea, i guess town sounds good" from them, which is sad, then again, we gave them our unconditional love, so no complains.

Road trips, backpacking trips, mama dramas, zoo trips, you name it. We've all done that.

I just realised I can't really explain the kind of bond we all have. Simply put, we all enjoy each other, even without having to start a conversation. Therefore, since the 'fridays' seem to be drifting apart, and god knows who brings a new gf/bf the next time we all meet, I suggest this post as a reference to all newbies before another catfight.

And for the record, none of us were ever more than friends with each other in that group.

2007-02-18T15:08:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year.

2007-02-18T02:41:00.000+08:00

The 'Man' makes it hard. The rich gets richer. The poor gets poorer. The Law is possibly the most obvious example. When you can't fork out green notes, you close the case. When you can, you continue pressing till you've won. Legal Aid? Thats the biggest joke. You're charged for murder. And you knock on L.A's door and hope for some lawyer to have a half hour slot in his organiser?

However, sometimes we forget that we ALL have a part to play in the creation of the Man. We are the "Man". We lash out at the Man because we can't lash out at anything/anyone else for that matter. We believe in an invisible force that shoves us to our downfalls. That invisible force, being the Man.

Religion probably exists as a form of one of the invisible forces. I do believe in my religion, and I do respect your religion too. But could it be possible that since we can't turn to anything/anyone, we put all our hopes in that other invisible force, religion. We close our eyes, bend down on our knees till they're sore, we hope and pray and believe in some other invisible force that could pull us out from that damned pit. And when our prayers are answered, we thank God.

Pure coincidence? True existence? Or common sense. We slow down, had time to THINK while in that peaceful state, we refrain from acting in a harsh manner, we do whats right in a stable state of mind. BAM, there goes your positive product.

2007-02-17T15:17:00.000+08:00

you drew what you wanted
it was beautiful
until you painted it on me

back and forth
away and into
my realm of dreams

still
your words grazed me
your indignant words

i will be
yours
your ragged doll

2007-02-16T23:12:00.000+08:00

So they ask you if the reason you agreed to be theirs was because you were lonely. No, you say. Of course not. Instead, you feel even more lonely when you land yourself in a relationship. Problems with a friend is easily solved. Talk to other friends. They don't have to put themselves in friend A's position, because they are in the same position, thus, an honest, understandable opinion from friend B about friend A's position.

Argue with Lover A about something. There are no Lover Bs or Cs to tell you their opinions. The question, the formula, and the result all relies on that one person, and that person alone.

What I learnt through the numerous encounters with a close friend, or someone more than a friend, is, you've got to be strong, or at least pretend. So when they tell you something you don't want to hear, just hear it and NEVER once let out an inkling of the fact that you despise that certain subject matter.

Because, they will use it against you to intentionally hurt you when they find out what ticks you off.

Then again, real friends, or real lovers would never stab you on your weakest spot.

So, they tell you to apologise, for the sake of apologising. When you don't, they say its pride. Now you sit and wonder if all their apologies in the past were just a getaway flight from getting involved in more issues. Don't apologise if you don't want to. Don't apologise if its only for the sake of making the other party satisfied.

I am not drowning in my pool of pride. I just haven't found a valid reason for apologising. So you say it hurts, but I don't believe what I did actually hurts you, or if your own paranoid thoughts did all the hurting yourself. Be patient, and reasonable. I will apologise, on my own account. Not because you tell me to.

2007-02-16T00:26:00.000+08:00

How I wish you were here

We're just two (three) lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

Year after year

Running over the same old ground

What have we found

The same old fears

Wish you were here -Pink Floyd

2007-02-15T00:56:00.000+08:00

When people decide to leave, and by a twist of fate, they turn up on your doorstep, you just HAVE to reconsider your options. Thats how selfish some can be, disappearing, and appearing again without considering the fact that the very person they disappeared from would have found a different form of peace.

So, think twice before appearing again.

and don't tell me you're not the least bit confused about your options now . i am almost certain you are.

2007-02-14T12:18:00.000+08:00

designer love and empty things?

the day to flaunt all of the above, vals day.

i don't need to send roses to show i love the people i love.

its written everywhere.

happy vals day.

2007-02-10T14:51:00.000+08:00

masks. that little white lie. things we choose to hide that little dark side. a defense mechanism? so, they see what they want to see. the things that might change their perception, they throw it out. and you, you discard it completely. make sure there are no traces to what they don't want to see, to what you prefer not to be seen.

so they tell you you're nice. what do you do? turn into a heartless fiend the next minute to prove them wrong, and to imply you're not very nice after all? no, you stay nice for the time being. you're only natural around the people you love, and they say you're nice, so there must be a little nice side of you they like to see, the nice side you like to show.

and when the day turns cold, and suddenly, you let out a little of the other side of you, they say you hide behind a mask, a 'nice' mask.

that shouldn't change you. it'd hurt you, but it shouldn't change you.

they think, once there's a negative side to you, once you stop smiling for a minute, you're not who they thought you were, and that makes you a fake. if that made sense, then only people high on prozac would be labelled the creme de la creme.

did they think for a second, that you prefer to be what they see, because you're fighting that monster of despair? that hideous black cloud hovering over you... and the ones you love are the sunshine that keeps you alive. they bring out the best in you, and you want to be the best to run far from that cloud. so, is being the best they want you to be, a whole different side of you? yes, its still you.. don't let them turn around and say that the best you became wasn't you to begin with cos its fake, cos all you were from the beginning was a victim of that monster.

there's a positive and a negative to everything. that keeps the balance. go to a psych ward, the unfortunate ones there are either too happy, or too depressed. unbalanced.

you and i, we're only human. we want to be better people. but we can't because they choose to label us by how they prefer to see us. and when that expectation of theirs aren't lived up to, they say we hide behind a mask.

we're only human. i will continue smiling, and you should know my world is not all pretty, and i don't wake up every morning thanking God for all the flowers blooming in the garden. i'm just smiling to keep me happy, to keep you happy.

2007-02-09T00:55:00.000+08:00

'move, bitch', is the new 'excuse me'

i don't understand the deal with people nowadays. hey, we have days where we walk a little slower, so to bring me an awareness of your existence, a simple Excuse Me would be just fine, thanks.

instead, they walk behind you and creep up close to you and try to squeeze their way to get in front.

and when they can't, they get all pissy and push you aside with a rude remark, eg. "haiyaaa... some people ah".

the aliens around the area i stay are pissing me off, big time.

whats with the staring. and it seems to me, Courtesy isn't in their dictionaries. the 2 chinese pimps and their alien whores just can't wait for people to get out of the lift before rushing in as if they'd die if they don't get in Pronto!

which reminds me.

all these aliens, the 'spitting on the sidewalks', and the 'talk cos the world can't hear you' , and not forgetting the 'bell bottoms are still in. and who cares cos my job means taking them off' aliens seem to be getting comfy in residential areas. seems to me they don't have problems getting a whole unit from HDB.

and to think mom and i can't get a place cos we don't have a 'full family nucleus'.. which is ridiculous because we pay tax, contribute to cpf, and vote during an election.

whats up with kiasuland.

2007-02-07T00:16:00.000+08:00

i'm talking to all the wrong people,
trying to get to you,
can you hear me?

you say it feels like a dream,
remember i'm real,
i'm human too

it fades when i'm with you
when i'm not
who am i to you?

it seems to me
i only exist
when you want me to

2007-02-06T13:53:00.000+08:00

and i don't want the world to see me,
cos i don't think that they'd understand,
when everything's meant to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am... -Iris

I am Erdiana. Pessimistic. Thats my middle name. I am the girl next door, smiling to my neighbours. When i enter the room, i am a depressive, paranoid freak. When I'm asleep, I'm still constantly thinking and thats what made me. Thoughts, in my shoes, in everyone else's shoes. I have an attention deficit disorder. My mind wanders. I am a naturally happy person, but I can't be too happy when I think of the people who are suffering to keep me happy. Get? I can come up with lame jokes, and make you laugh, to keep me from feeling depressed for no particular reason. I try to make new friends everyday so it distracts me from my own problems. I don't like to be asked about my problems. I just come up with morbid poetry and indirectly express it. Thats what keeps me sane. So when you see a morbid poetry, you know that colder side of me is emerging, so don't ask. Just being there helps.

2007-02-05T15:24:00.000+08:00

I feel like putting up pics today! i know raya was like 4 months ago, but yea, a mixture of pics taken over the past few months.

the spirit of raya part I

the spirit of raya part II

the spirit of raya part III

how romantic! part I

how romantic! part II
the ignorant, and the intimidating (i'd give up the world for these two)

2007-02-05T01:07:00.000+08:00

be yourself, don't be me
you're perfect in your own way

i am truly sick of people who imitate the way i talk, dress, behave.. etc. hey, i'm no idol. i have my flaws, my bad hair days, my bloated days etc. am i supposed to be honoured to have you imitate me.

and its gets worse.

i especially hate it when you roll your eyes at what i am, implying 'w t h are you doing?' and then you turn around behind my back and make it your own.

and no, thats not the end.

why do you assume that everyone listens to me, and not you? i believe you have your own rights, and as much as i despise the way you despise me, i am reminding you that you do have your own say. why must your whole life be a comparison to mine? you're not getting any further hating the fact that there are some things i am entitled to that you're not. hey, there are some things you're entitled to that i'm not as well.

in the wise words of britney spears (double yikes), Why don't you do something?

2007-02-04T14:09:00.000+08:00

heaven has been away too long,
can't find the words to write this song.. -corinne bailey rae "like a star"

i think people in love are degraded to being boring people. especially when they post an entry of the person they love. what else can you say when you're too happy? how can you say it without being all mushy in a way singles would roll their eyes at you and make you feel all alone in that little happy world of yours?

i have a terrible habit of being speechless when it comes to expressing my undying love for the people i want to express it too. call it tough love. (how many times did i say the L word already? somebody shoot me)

anyway, updates on my sq interview. i've made it to the final one. 7th feb.. i know i can't really run away from what i want to if i start flying. then again, i'm physically away half the time so it helps pull me away from getting involved in something i wasn't part of from the beginning anyway.

liverpool.. don't even get me started on last night's game. (i know you're laughing, uncle jo.... i have eyes in brunei)

2007-02-03T02:07:00.000+08:00

my world, now, revolves around yours. don't doubt it.

on that rooftop garden, i flipped through Penner and smiled at his hidden humour. "Only a mad trustee would risk running a business".

i don't know what else to say, considering the fact i just posted an entry a few minutes ago.

pride can stand a thousand trials. the strong will never fall. but watching stars without you... my soul cries.

²ч

2007-02-03T01:51:00.000+08:00

sophia found a diskette (yes, a diskette) of old pics back in the sas days. i'm glad she did.

genuine smiles, not a mere portrait of what we want people to see.

2007-02-01T00:35:00.000+08:00

don't you know you've got your daddy's eyes,
daddy was an alcoholic
but your mother kept it all inside
and she threw it all away

i haven't had a drop of alcohol in more than 3 weeks. and i feel low. not because i'm tempted to have it.

i guess, the only reason i drowned my sorrows in that heine bottle was because i felt closer to dad, even when i don't know what the hell he's been up to most of the time. he introduced me to the world of hangovers.

now there's nothing to make me feel closer to him. as much as it sounds good not having to make out what he's trying to say over his slurred speech, i do wonder if he's still alive.

you do the best to bring me down. i'm on your sinking ship and you're waving from my shore.

2007-01-31T15:35:00.000+08:00

twofortyone probably in dreamland, and i'm here with a pair of socks and a jacket to keep me warm, in a not-so-cold weather. i should be studying, and just as i was about to post something up, i realise, i really should be studying now.

study beckons.
missing the twofortyone.

and i swear if i hear anymore about panadols, vitamin c and the doctor, i will shoot myself in the head. ;)

2007-01-30T00:48:00.000+08:00

don't ask why i look so spastic in these photos. but hey! i enjoyed myself. all taken on my beautiful saturday, and a bad haircut day.

Babel, draggy but good movie. Just me and my twofortyone.

just you and me

2007-01-29T13:25:00.000+08:00

3 and a half hours to the preview of the day, 241. i'll be done typing in 15 mins, planning to hit the books sprawled out on the floor of the living room. someone hide the remote! i set aside about an hour of browsing through pages written by winding balding old men who just can't get to the bloody point. maybe another 30 mins deciding where to start. the thing about law texts is, you never know where the start and the end of the issue is. in their words, its all "inter-related". right. i believe its more of, 'too much to discuss, no time to organise'.

i mean, seriously, i was reading chapter 3 of one of the textbooks, and on the 2nd line, it says "refer to chapter 9 for a detailed discussion". so i turned to chapter 9, and i was furious because on the 2nd page it says "this is not important, however it is worth reading to understand chapters 5 and 6. refer to chapter 2 for a rough understanding."

they say, put aside 8 hours a day if you want to succeed. some say its exaggerating..8 hours.. bah! then again, minus the 4 hours of finally figuring out where to start after endless references, i say 8 hours is just about right.

okay, i'm left with four minutes to end this post and turn off the damn pc.

yes jojo, brilliantly brilliant. in other words, amazingly amazing. ;)

2007-01-28T15:16:00.000+08:00

Lazy sunday backed up by a beautiful saturday evening out with the people i love. the outdoor theatre by the waterfront displaying local, or close to local, talents mesmerised me. how many chances do you get in a lifetime to be enjoying good music, good view, good weather, snuggled up close to the people who made you, you.

it would've been perfect if mom and jo were there too.

I've been on tiptoes, trying to regain my balance from dipping my feet into that pool of commitment. fear of getting hurt was pulling me back, but that stronger feeling was asking me to jump in. last night, i had no fear left. i am a happy person.

twofortyone.

2007-01-27T12:36:00.000+08:00

They say don't spend too much time thinking about the past.

I have been in a world of my own for the past week or so. Especially last night. I finally found the earpiece to my phone and I blocked out the world on my way to class with the sounds of Corrine Bailey Rae, Silverstein, Iced Earth, a few RnB tunes, Damien Rice, and Ephyra (ian's band). Its an awful compilation, where in one song, I'm drifting on the clouds, and the next, I'm subject to the screaming of screamo-tastic bands.

I say, don't spend too much time worrying about the future.

Music, or rather, screaming to my ears took me to familiar places. Familiar laughter, childish arguments, and what not. I thought, how foolish of me to be worrying about the future, when I have the past to smile at, the lessons learnt, the little things that made me human. The weather added to that floating mood of mine.

I guess the testimonials I received and the people I bumped into started this whole "back to erdi's world" thingy. 2007 seems to be just fine for me, with shattered pieces being glued back together. All thanks to past memories.

Reliana and I met on the first day of primary school. Now she's all married with a darling of a baby girl. When I first got back into contact with her, I kept on thinking, "How fast we all grew! yikes, in a few years, I'll be carrying a kid of my own, and meeting her for coffee where our kids will play. How about my career? I don't want to be a stay home mom. blah blah yada yada".

Now I think, "I remember the fight I had with reliana in malacca after our psle. The funny things that pissed us off. Her crush on Faris.. how faris, her and i made up our 'gang' on the very first time we all met."

These things keep me sane, and too caught up to bother about the claws of present enemies. Why run from being clawed? When all else fails, put them in a little bubble, and burst it!

2007-01-26T16:30:00.000+08:00

family: any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins.

what does the dictionary really know about close relations anyway. fana and i were talking about our family, and how people can treat their family the way they do. its quite sad really, that we have one, wishing his/her mother was dead, one treating the younger ones as a slave to his/her ill duties, one not even acknowledging his/her own child/children.

so, me definition is as such;

family: any group of persons fortunately/unfortunately related by blood, which brings about a closer connection due to certain similar traits, and due to a percentage of genetic disorders, brings about a conflict of interests.

love you, mum.

2007-01-26T11:35:00.000+08:00

the smell of fried eggs on a cold friday morning. i woke up to see fana all alive and hyper while i dragged my lazy feet to wash up. my dearest cousin's turning 18 in 12 and a half hours. i think she's the coolest of all the teens i know. she's immune from that teenage angst syndrome, and i hope turning 18 won't start anything.

i give Perfume an 8.5/10. beautiful plot, but the last part where thousands of people were intoxicated by the perfume and started a mass (and i mean, MASS) orgy was really too much. mucho grosso.

feels right, to say it.

2007-01-25T03:37:00.000+08:00

goodnight, in my kind of weather.

my 2 forty one. :)

2007-01-24T00:09:00.000+08:00

i bumped into an old friend today. Jo! listen up! i bumped into tony! yes! toh-nee!

bumping into him brought back lots of memories. back then, we had nothing to worry about. free like birds, we followed the wind. once in a while, we get lightheaded from the spinning of tony's car in a deserted area close to the sea. the smell of tyres burning, and fresh brunei air. 8 of us in a lancer. out of the 8 of us, about 5 had their own cars, but no, we all wanted to squeeze in the smallest of the 5 cars.

i can't say all 8 of us were close. some were friends of friends. then again, we were always there for each other. when fk made me drag mich to his house. when i puked on jon's neck. when tony wanted to see a girl, and dennis made us listen to his lame jokes for 2 hrs in the car while waiting. when gerald only laughs 5 mins after everyone stopped laughing and the joke was over.
when jo had to deal with the 2 boys fighting over a fishing rod.

t: my dad's in bru, my mom's in malaysia, so i'm here in spore working and earning a living
me: why? (duh, i KNOW why..but i didn't know what to say)
t: u know, i know, so yea........ (awkward silence)

trust me to come up with the nicest things to say. sheesh.

i've always thought, the old gang and i were somewhat trouble makers, making screeching noises with the wheels in the middle of the night, waking brunei up at 4 in the morning. then i looked at tony, and i remembered everyone's eyes, and i realised.. we weren't the trouble makers...

we were the troubled ones.

all from different walks of life.

all with our own shyt to deal with.

and we were there to distract each other, without even knowing it..

hello gang!

2007-01-23T13:49:00.000+08:00

happy birthday yuda!

have a good one cuz. :)

2007-01-23T01:48:00.000+08:00

i revolve around other people's lives, thats why i'm me. i observe the things that make people who they are, make them act the way they do, and say the things they say. its especially hard for me now, since their lives are somewhat stagnant. its nothing interesting, for them it is. for me, its just them, their halves and that 'thing' that binds them together.

so recently, i've been revolving around no one else but me. the things i say, the way i act, and what made me, me. and i don't like it one bit. i am a fake because (yes, roll your eyes) pride made me.

mayuko once said i was playing it too cool.

for eg.
i say: yo dude wassup man!
i feel: i like u! hubba hubba.

i am.... fake.

i say: i'm tired
i feel: i really need to be in my thoughts.

F A K E.

2007-01-21T17:19:00.000+08:00

happy advanced 18th, my beautiful. it was just a while ago when we were learning to cycle and came home with bruises after you suggested we land on the soft patch of what you thought was just a bush, without knowing there was a huge drain beneath the comfy looking greens.

how time flies my love! i remember afternoons after school with you was what i looked forward to. basketball after lunch. trading archie comics. karaoke. tekken. cycling. dinner. midnight gossips. i don't remember us watching tv or doing our own thing back then. it was always "us".

now we're all grown up. when you talk to me about love, i smile. it was only a blink of an eye, from the time i found out about your first childhood sweetheart. back then, we didnt know what love was. to us, it was an annoying feeling, ditch the boys, us girls have better things to do, that was us. joshua used to have to keep up with us when we played bball. he's all grown up as well.. the thought of him brings a lil voice to my head.. "anna bananaaaaaaa"!

happy 18th my dearest fana.. love ya!

2007-01-21T01:06:00.000+08:00

07 seems to be quite promising for me.

i realised, all these time, i thought, i need to get it all right before my life starts. a new place to stay, a great job, etc. i forgot that THIS is life. life doesn't wait for me to get on my feet. things i've achieved in the first 3 weeks of 07..

1) quit alcohol
2) played the electric guitar for the first time
3) played the bass for the first time
4) jumped

and it just gets better.

you electrify my life

2007-01-20T16:22:00.000+08:00

c'mon liverpool!

2007-01-19T17:56:00.000+08:00

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

Fell in love with the song the first time I heard it with Charmaine.

I went for a jamming session at a studio with bob and scat. Uber cool! We played the song I wrote, it sounded especially great with bob's drums and scat's bass.

I lost myself in the midst of all the music, especially when I held that electric guitar for the first time. But the best part of that session was when I switched to bass. Guess I found a new love, and guess you know what to get me on my birthday mom! hehe.

I held my breath as I played with the strings of the bass. The rhythm distracted me from what was in my head. The thought of what was to come later in the evening gave me chills, and i closed my eyes as I went in with the beat of the drums. I smiled and the evening turned out well.

Its taking a toll on me.
You're taking a toll on me.

2007-01-19T11:50:00.000+08:00

Pics of KL and Cameron Highlands!

2007-01-19T00:06:00.000+08:00

the thing about having a big group of friends/family is that you can't really talk about anything personal to any of them. words... they go around, big time!

thats why i miss my darling jo, and her balcony of dreams and secrets sworn to be kept on that little balcony and nowhere else. it was a silent agreement that we ONLY share secrets on that balcony, and that they were to be kept there, and only there. then again, that bottle of gin probably played its part. drink, get tipsy, tell secrets without realising it, get drunk, forget secrets. next balcony gathering, drink, get tipsy, remember past secrets, tell more secrets, get drunk and forget all secrets again.

i was watching a comedy in which A told B something. B wishes to keep A's secret, but she also wished to help A in some way. So A spilled it, because if B doesn't say something, B will be stuck in that position for the rest of her pathetic life.

i guess what i'm really trying to say is, when you're sworn to secrecy, let it be. if you let out an inkling of whats not supposed to be said, then i guess its gonna help in some way, but it would come from you, and the result (good or bad) wouldn't be as satisfying for the person who told you whatever her secret was.

B earned the pride that made A.

2007-01-18T11:09:00.000+08:00

There's are moments in your life -- like the first time you rode a bike without training wheels, the first time you dove off a high diving board, or maybe the first day of your first job -- when you had to push past the fear or intimidation to get something you knew you had earned, and knew you were ready for. This leap of faith is exhilarating, and it changes your life forever. Seek out that frightening, intimidating leap today -- and jump. -Libra, 18 Jan 2007

I guess the horoscope reading came 2 days late. If i read it in the early hours of the 16th, i'd have that extra boost of confidence.

All I had, on the edge of the emergency door of that airplane was bani's voice in my head "yes, you NEED the paddings on your swimsuit. then again, what if you jump, and then you see one of the boob pads floating on the water or worse still! what if the water pushes it to the middle of your chest and you'd look like you had misplaced boobs!", and as weird as it sounds, it helped me through the test, and i jumped.

2007-01-15T15:25:00.000+08:00

I was sleeping peacefully when A sms-ed asking if we could talk. I ignored his sms since, 1) I had nothing to say to him and 2) It was 4 in the morning, you mad or what?

Interruption at 4am aside, I came online when I got up and decided to ask him what he wanted to talk about.. which of course led to a whole new argument.

I was rude, but you deserved it A. And besides, I was already nice enough to even bother asking you what you wanted. How pathetic can you be? You can even ask if its ok with me if you emailed me about whats been happening in your life so far. Did you ever think for a second that I would be interested in your "boohoos"? And you say Sophie is not smart, thats why you can't talk to her about your life. How about your friends? Go talk to them A. Like I said, the only thing that I need in a bond with anyone, friends, family, etc, is Trust. You've misused it A. So, be gone! I don't have time to think of second chances. You had it, you misused it, the end. So don't be all nice to me because it won't work.

You speak words of wisdom. But you're fake A. You hold your head high, why? Because you're a top student? Because you have a comfy rank? All those things, it doesn't even matter to me. You have a huge ego, and that, I despise. You think you're better than anyone else? You think I can't find anyone better than you. Truth be told, you were the worst of all I've ever dated. I dont even know why I'm wasting my time blogging about you.

And how dare you talk about my life as if you know me well. You have no right A. Its the same as if I were to tell you, You turned out to be just like your father A. How would you like that?

You don't choose who you can or cannot talk to, A. Its whether a person wants to be there to listen. I don't, so buzz off. Go look for your friends. Why? They're not smart enough for you?

I've blocked you from my life, unfortunately you have my number, and my textbooks. If I don't get it by the 18th, I am going to where your mom works.

Pathetic.

2007-01-15T02:32:00.000+08:00

went to wrench, well, physically. mentally, i was in a world of my own and i don't know why. its weird, you try to be there, but your thoughts are in faraway land. watched reruns of joan of arcadia. the part where adam came clean about sleeping with someone else. i've always seen joan and adam as my favourite tv couple. kept my hopes high of having someone like him. then the damn directors decided, Hey Adam should sleep with someone else! as much as i know its all just a show, it does portray reality, and it crashed those hopes of mine.

i thought i had something to believe in.

million dollar question: Do I still believe in that "THING" called love.

ask me again after val's day. i'd probably come up with something crude. its a sick day, girls showing off flowers, guys showing off girls AND the flowers they bought, and to me, its like any other day, except, its more depressing. i can see only one thing that really happens on vals day. couples getting laid. with the convenience of hourly-rate hotels, expect a baby boom end of this year.

happy fucking.

goodnight.

2007-01-14T18:12:00.000+08:00

cringing to the sounds of people singing english songs with funny accents,

"ohh bay-beh i rurve you so!"

and the smell of durians, courtesy of a couple of bengs who decided,

"peanuts? lets bring durians instead!"

guess the crowd got to me in a way that i started sitting like an ah-pek in a coffeeshop.

i'm bored. i need to go book shopping. i've been looking for "One More Day" by Mitch Albom.. seems to me its sold out almost everywhere. yikes.

alrighty then. time for a nap. sigh.

2007-01-14T02:59:00.000+08:00

atul says i'm oblivious to the fact that certain people might want to be more than friends.

yikes.

i'll just sit here till the sun rises and try to study gestures, etc.

that was me, wasted, watching Oprah.

i'm glad to say, i've quit alcohol, for real. kudos to the new me! thank u thank u!! haha.

i met up with the girls for a night out.. charmaine, eleen and sophie (haha!), and ironically, charmaine, eleen and i found out that all 3 of us quit at the same time without knowing it! charm's dad was quite happy to hear that, considering the number of times he had to make sure we were all ok. now, WE have to get HIM to stop drinking.

ok, its time to start pondering now.

goodnight peeps.

feeling a little lovesick. atul! come home and we'll light that strawberry scented candle and we'll talk and have some tea. stock up on the smokes! and, no, i'm not gonna tell him. hehe, come back! i'm missing you cuz!

2007-01-13T20:15:00.000+08:00

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Give me back my point of view
Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose- Jet, "Look what you've done"

I have come across one too many insecure people, including myself. But I've never come across someone insecure to the very core. Its sad to see a friend fall into the damned pit of his own world and it seems to me, he's not even going to try getting out of it, because he prefers it there. What am I going to do about it? nothing. Its going to make it worse if for pity's sake, I go down the pit with him and guide him, for he never listens. Besides, adversity is the best education.

Go figure.

2007-01-13T00:08:00.000+08:00

i've been home since wednesday night, cold weather breeds lazy bums, namely myself.

started getting info from my aunt about our family race. i've always known we were rojak, and i use the easy way out when asked about my race. "malay and chinese". easiest.

the following is based purely on my mom's side of the family, so by posting this, i really hope i won't have to go into detail about my race again.

my great grandfather is indo-chinese, his wife an indon as well, with an arab background. that means my grandfather is indon-chin-rab. haha.

my granny, however, was adopted by a malay family from trengganu. she's originally japanese-dutch.

which means, my mom, my 4 aunts and 3 uncles are indon-chin-rab-jap-utch.

god knows what the race is like on my dad's side of the family.

honestly speaking, i don't really want to know. anyway, i posted a pic of half the family (this was in bru, so the other half were in s'pore) during raya. its rather obvious some of us weren't ready, and the ones who were, were squashed in the back (no clues for guessing who). thats mummy in green and the weird hair. hehe sorry mom! for some reason, we all looked really tanned and tired in the pic. must be the pre-raya 'bunga api' session we had.. i think uncle jo n the boys bought hundreds of dollars worth of fireworks, which was, in my opinion, definitely worth it.

i miss raya already. looking forward to cny as well. so i can get a year's supply of cuttlefish. random.

2007-01-12T14:11:00.000+08:00

wild horses,
i'll be free,
i saw you sleeping,
take me with you

falling clovers,
believe in miracles,
but not in empty words,
breathe

and when wine fills me with melancholy
when fallen angels fail
when i see the world through a darker shade
i'll dream of a better place -erdiana

i wrote a new song, and those will be the lyrics to it. its not finished though. anyway i have a thousand and one things to do, but the rain just won't stop. bah!

2007-01-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

alright people, time to listen up. i have mentioned this before and i'm going to elaborate on it again before i am forced to enter your name into my "annoying-people" book.

msn..

guys, the status function is there for a reason. unless someone died, be patient and wait. please understand that when my, or whoever's status is busy, it means we're.. B U S Y.

as much as that annoying notice sound doesn't come out when we're busy, but when we're trying to concentrate on eg. an important email, that blinking light is a major distraction. here's a scenario of how some people can be extremely ignorant and clueless..

anonymous: so..???
erdi (BUSY): huh. wait, reading mail k.
anonymous: oh ok....
anonymous: do tell me soon ya
anonymous: abt that thing i asked u just now
anonymous: hehe
------------1 minute later-------------
anonymous: ??
anonymous: nana?
erdi (BUSY): dude, hang on k
anonymous: ok
anonymous: take ur time
anonymous: how was ur day anyway
anonymous: anyway, i gtg.
------------2 minutes later------------
phone rings
erdi: hello
anonymous: hey!!! what you up to?
erdi: hey, i'm busy, remember??
anonymous: oh ok.......
------------1 minute later----------------
sms
anonymous: heya! u gona be online till what time later?
--------------------------------------------

yes! thats what i went through the whole of today. i would appreciate it if msn comes up with a new version filled with more kinds of status.

for eg.

(Busy, are you blind?)
(Away, from you)
(Out to lunch, or so you think)
(automatic delete for anyone who clicks on me)

don't get offended. i am speaking in general (with a slight deviation towards a couple of annoy-ers). i, the annoyee, am truly annoyed.

grr!

2007-01-11T14:45:00.000+08:00

looks more like i overdosed on that bottle of detergent i use as a makeshift door stopper.

its an extremely sleepy day today, my study day. for now, i'll just be online for a while more, listening to the soothing sounds of lisa stansfield, interrupted by the "hai-ya!! go, go go!" of my cousin's new ps game, some shaolin temple thingy.

anyway, its study time!

till i think of something!

2007-01-08T23:56:00.000+08:00

pride made me
i left without a trace
still i hurt and yet i held my head high
trials i face and i learn to be strong
yet i stare at the sad sunset
and i feel, i do

when its too much
i smile and say i'm just alright
when i'm going insane inside
i will hide those tears
carve a smile on that little mask
because pride made me

i forgot who i am
the more i carve
the more i hide
the uglier i feel
pride made me

2007-01-06T20:53:00.000+08:00

half of that dream worked its way to reality. i can't say i'm too happy about it. there are things i have to worry about, for example, if it would affect my studies. then again, if i achieve making the whole dream come true, my mind would be at rest from pondering too much on how to better improve my current standing, thus putting in more effort in my education.

with that said, i do want to thank those who gave me the support and motivation. thanks to you mom (i promise i'll continue my studies if i get in), aunt yanny (for telling me to go all out and some other stuff which should be kept secret), aunt norma (for being more excited in the interview than i was), yy (who started all this flying thing and then refused to go in the end), shalin and eewei (i owe u guys a bintan trip if i get in, our long lost trip, since my paralegal days), sufian (for sms-ing me at 7-59 this morning to wish me luck), wan (for telling me i'd be ok), charmaine and nic (for calling me throughout my interview to get tips so they can score tomorrow), atul (for helping me get through the rush this morning) and of course, my interview kakis, bang riez and weineng (for hanging out with me so i wont be too lonely), and kt! (for sending me home). hehe.

nana! you think what! award ceremony meh?!

haha, ok i shall go rest for a while before i meet THE homies. haha.

2007-01-05T17:14:00.000+08:00

pictures from the eve of 07.

my homies were on duty along the central streets (ok, i suck at this lingo)

yy n josh were patrolling the streets, which was a bummer. i was out with the blood bros, and don't ask me why we took pics with christmas trees on new years eve. we were probably the most sober bunch walking out of rouge.

anyway, tomorrow is the day. will i fly, or will i have to stay behind?

more updates tomorrow...